Weeds Are Green Too.

At some point in your life, you have to make a decision. What to you really want? The greener pastures you can see through the fence? Or the comfort of what you have right here, in your own back yard?

Those greener pastures don't always turn out to be what they appear. When I was a kid, I spent most of my holidays on my uncles farm. Most of my favourite memories come from those times. But don't let me get off track. What often appeared to be lovely lush green pastures, were often pastures choked with weeds. While I can remember what the weeds looked like. I can't recall what they were called. I do know if the cows were to eat them, they would get very sick.

Contentment comes from realizing, what I have right now, while not perfect, while not what I planned, is pretty damn good. I have two of the most precious kids on the planet. A very smart, sometimes dopy husband who loves me. A comfortable home. A much neglected cat (or so he thinks) and two of the most adorable little baby turtles. Not to mention a lovely group of friends, both IRL and online who I love. I even have a job now I am really very happy with.

What more could anyone possibly want?

ON THE TRAIN. YAY!

I am on the train today. The first day in forever. I am a shambles. I don't have my book with me, my headphones are all tangled. But OMG it is relaxing. So Much more pleasant then driving in traffic. Why anyone would choose to drive when the opportunity exits to can catch the train, I have know idea. I wonder if there is any chance of convincing...no...sigh. I have missed the train. Now my journey has almost ended. Way too short. There is the trip home.

A Positive Look Through the Retro-spectroscope

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend from my previous employer. It was lovely to catch up, traumatic at the same time. She related the current dramas that exist there. I had been blocking it all out. I had almost forgotten what a poisonous working environment it was. It seems to have gotten worse since I left. Returning to my current employer felt like breathing fresh air. My current job may not be perfect. The people may not be perfect. I am not perfect. That is the way I like it. It is a warm friendly positive working environment. Being a large organisation if there is an issue with a colleague it is big enough for me to adjust. There are plenty of promotion opportunities. If I want that. I am not sure yet. At the moment I am busy settling in, finding my feet.

Last night I had nightmares about my previous employment. I woke very early, unable to sleep. I feel good now. Relieved. I did make the right choice to leave. Things will turn out well.

A Little More Self Awareness

27/9/2012: Tuesday was a funny day for me. It was a day spent traveling with my Boss and two colleagues. We were being introduced and given the opportunity to visit the regional head offices. There are three.

I really like my boss, and have a lot of respect for him. We travelled in his car to the locations. I sat in the back seat. I really think that is where...I was going to say belong, but that would give the wrong impression...it is where I feel most comfortable. Out of the limelight. An observer. An old boyfriend once made the comment that I was an observer, not a participant. He didn't mean it in a negative way. At least I hadn't taken it that way. It was said a life time ago. Today reinforced that comment. I haven't changed at all. Traveling with my colleagues was fun. I Listened closely to what was being said. Participated in the conversations as much as I could. Answered questions that were directed at me. I found the day very draining. The final trip, from the last regional office to our head office I was pushed into the front passenger seat. What I noticed was that my colleagues were very comfortable in this situation. I was not. Previously the conversations had bubbled along. With me, it came to a screaming halt. I forced out a conversation, it was stilted, uncomfortable. Perhaps I would have been better off not trying. I am not sure.

I left work early, I had an appointment with my therapist. (I resumed my sessions with him last week) I was rattled. Last week I had made the trip easy peasy. This week I took a wrong turn. I couldn't seem to concentrate on the navigator and the road signs. My brain was mush. Taking wrong turns is never a good idea in a scrambled city like this one. I did eventually make it to my appointment. A little frazzled.

12/10/13: I never quite got round to finishing the above post, I remember that time clearly, the car trip with boss & now friends. I managed to sort quite a few things out with my therapist, he is a lovely fellow. At the moment I don't need him. I say at the moment only because you never know what is around the corner. 

A lot has happened in the last twelve months, I've learned a lot, met and worked with some really wonderful people, I am now unfortunately looking for another job as my previous position was a 12 month contract that has been extended for a few months. The thought of job interviews used to scare the begingoes out of me. I never really felt I had what it takes. Today I know I do. 

Questions of Motivation

The truth. This new job has been quite a culture shock. I'm an accountant, I have moved from the 'corporate' to the 'not for profit' world. I am used to super efficiency, or at least the aim for efficiency. Where I now work, the motivations are quite different. I am struggling with it. I felt like the proverbial square peg in the corporate world. I'm a square peg yet again. This has unsettled me quite a lot. When I first started I was very happy. The people were warm and friendly, mostly. It hasn't taken long to scratch the surface, to reveal...I wouldn't say artificial...but I need to take care. To pay attention to what motivates each person, it varies a lot. The question remains as to whether my corners can be rounded enough to fit in. What are my motivations? I need to clarify that for myself, enough to work out whether this change is really what I want and need. I am not feeling alone in this. Two of us started the same day. We have developed a good friendship. We both have been faced with the need to adjust culturally. My friend isn't so sure if she has made the right decision. I wonder how the adjustment would have gone for me if I hadn't had her with me. I suspect I would have taken it far worse. I would have taken the failure to fit in very personally. Blaming myself for the failure to fit in. At least I know it isn't just me.

Very slow traffic.

I am spending a lot of time stuck in traffic now. Funnily enough it isn't easy to type and drive. Two things have crossed my mind while sitting in traffic. The first is. Why are there so many morons having traffic accidents? It seems I rarely go a day without some idiot causing an accident on route. Why are people incapable of driving from A to B in a safe manner? Is it that hard to follow simple traffic rules? I seem to manage okay! Rant over!
The second is: I have developed a very odd fascination with the view in my cars side mirror. I desperately want to capture that image. So far I can't quite manage to capture what it is that fascinates me. Here are a couple of attempts.

Work, travel, impatience, frog!

Without really chasing work, work finally caught up with me. I did have the usual dilemma. Should I take the job offered, or go to the next interview? Both jobs suited my criteria. Both required travel. The second offered more money. I deliberated for all of about, ummmm, 30 seconds, took the job on offer. Derr! Who am I kidding. I suck at interviews.

The travel. I can no longer access the train system. Driving is my only option. At the moment I vary my time, sometimes music, sometimes radio. ABC of course! I do have plans to get audio books. At least then I won't miss out on reading? Maybe? To tell you the truth I haven't been reading a lot recently. I'm not sure why.

So now I am again employed. I started work on Monday. At the moment I am not sure whether this was the right decision. I now work for a very large organisation. An organisation that is slow to change. I am wondering right now if my skill/talent for process improvement will eat me away? I have found the people lovely, if a little uninspiring. It doesn't help that the person I report to, reminds me strongly of my step-father. Mannerisms, looks, they share the same first name. I am being unfair. It has only been a week. I haven't done any real work. I've been an observer not a participant.

L. returned from a two week trip to Far North Queensland. She had a wonderful time. We haven't seen her photos. She managed to grow a few inches. Now wearing low heals is not enough for me to appear taller. What do they put in the water in FNQ? I am very glad she is back. It was nice while she was away. Two weeks with M. by himself was a good experience. For all of us.

She brought back a gift for each of us. Mine is a very cute little silver frog on a chain. Squee!

I have no reason to complain at the moment. Life is good. I am feeling a little on the apprehensive side. Is it a remnant of the passed few years? Or is it coming from somewhere else. I don't know.