A Little More Self Awareness

27/9/2012: Tuesday was a funny day for me. It was a day spent traveling with my Boss and two colleagues. We were being introduced and given the opportunity to visit the regional head offices. There are three.

I really like my boss, and have a lot of respect for him. We travelled in his car to the locations. I sat in the back seat. I really think that is where...I was going to say belong, but that would give the wrong impression...it is where I feel most comfortable. Out of the limelight. An observer. An old boyfriend once made the comment that I was an observer, not a participant. He didn't mean it in a negative way. At least I hadn't taken it that way. It was said a life time ago. Today reinforced that comment. I haven't changed at all. Traveling with my colleagues was fun. I Listened closely to what was being said. Participated in the conversations as much as I could. Answered questions that were directed at me. I found the day very draining. The final trip, from the last regional office to our head office I was pushed into the front passenger seat. What I noticed was that my colleagues were very comfortable in this situation. I was not. Previously the conversations had bubbled along. With me, it came to a screaming halt. I forced out a conversation, it was stilted, uncomfortable. Perhaps I would have been better off not trying. I am not sure.

I left work early, I had an appointment with my therapist. (I resumed my sessions with him last week) I was rattled. Last week I had made the trip easy peasy. This week I took a wrong turn. I couldn't seem to concentrate on the navigator and the road signs. My brain was mush. Taking wrong turns is never a good idea in a scrambled city like this one. I did eventually make it to my appointment. A little frazzled.

12/10/13: I never quite got round to finishing the above post, I remember that time clearly, the car trip with boss & now friends. I managed to sort quite a few things out with my therapist, he is a lovely fellow. At the moment I don't need him. I say at the moment only because you never know what is around the corner. 

A lot has happened in the last twelve months, I've learned a lot, met and worked with some really wonderful people, I am now unfortunately looking for another job as my previous position was a 12 month contract that has been extended for a few months. The thought of job interviews used to scare the begingoes out of me. I never really felt I had what it takes. Today I know I do. 

Questions of Motivation

The truth. This new job has been quite a culture shock. I'm an accountant, I have moved from the 'corporate' to the 'not for profit' world. I am used to super efficiency, or at least the aim for efficiency. Where I now work, the motivations are quite different. I am struggling with it. I felt like the proverbial square peg in the corporate world. I'm a square peg yet again. This has unsettled me quite a lot. When I first started I was very happy. The people were warm and friendly, mostly. It hasn't taken long to scratch the surface, to reveal...I wouldn't say artificial...but I need to take care. To pay attention to what motivates each person, it varies a lot. The question remains as to whether my corners can be rounded enough to fit in. What are my motivations? I need to clarify that for myself, enough to work out whether this change is really what I want and need. I am not feeling alone in this. Two of us started the same day. We have developed a good friendship. We both have been faced with the need to adjust culturally. My friend isn't so sure if she has made the right decision. I wonder how the adjustment would have gone for me if I hadn't had her with me. I suspect I would have taken it far worse. I would have taken the failure to fit in very personally. Blaming myself for the failure to fit in. At least I know it isn't just me.

Very slow traffic.

I am spending a lot of time stuck in traffic now. Funnily enough it isn't easy to type and drive. Two things have crossed my mind while sitting in traffic. The first is. Why are there so many morons having traffic accidents? It seems I rarely go a day without some idiot causing an accident on route. Why are people incapable of driving from A to B in a safe manner? Is it that hard to follow simple traffic rules? I seem to manage okay! Rant over!
The second is: I have developed a very odd fascination with the view in my cars side mirror. I desperately want to capture that image. So far I can't quite manage to capture what it is that fascinates me. Here are a couple of attempts.