Weeds Are Green Too.

At some point in your life, you have to make a decision. What to you really want? The greener pastures you can see through the fence? Or the comfort of what you have right here, in your own back yard?

Those greener pastures don't always turn out to be what they appear. When I was a kid, I spent most of my holidays on my uncles farm. Most of my favourite memories come from those times. But don't let me get off track. What often appeared to be lovely lush green pastures, were often pastures choked with weeds. While I can remember what the weeds looked like. I can't recall what they were called. I do know if the cows were to eat them, they would get very sick.

Contentment comes from realizing, what I have right now, while not perfect, while not what I planned, is pretty damn good. I have two of the most precious kids on the planet. A very smart, sometimes dopy husband who loves me. A comfortable home. A much neglected cat (or so he thinks) and two of the most adorable little baby turtles. Not to mention a lovely group of friends, both IRL and online who I love. I even have a job now I am really very happy with.

What more could anyone possibly want?

ON THE TRAIN. YAY!

I am on the train today. The first day in forever. I am a shambles. I don't have my book with me, my headphones are all tangled. But OMG it is relaxing. So Much more pleasant then driving in traffic. Why anyone would choose to drive when the opportunity exits to can catch the train, I have know idea. I wonder if there is any chance of convincing...no...sigh. I have missed the train. Now my journey has almost ended. Way too short. There is the trip home.

A Positive Look Through the Retro-spectroscope

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend from my previous employer. It was lovely to catch up, traumatic at the same time. She related the current dramas that exist there. I had been blocking it all out. I had almost forgotten what a poisonous working environment it was. It seems to have gotten worse since I left. Returning to my current employer felt like breathing fresh air. My current job may not be perfect. The people may not be perfect. I am not perfect. That is the way I like it. It is a warm friendly positive working environment. Being a large organisation if there is an issue with a colleague it is big enough for me to adjust. There are plenty of promotion opportunities. If I want that. I am not sure yet. At the moment I am busy settling in, finding my feet.

Last night I had nightmares about my previous employment. I woke very early, unable to sleep. I feel good now. Relieved. I did make the right choice to leave. Things will turn out well.

A Little More Self Awareness

27/9/2012: Tuesday was a funny day for me. It was a day spent traveling with my Boss and two colleagues. We were being introduced and given the opportunity to visit the regional head offices. There are three.

I really like my boss, and have a lot of respect for him. We travelled in his car to the locations. I sat in the back seat. I really think that is where...I was going to say belong, but that would give the wrong impression...it is where I feel most comfortable. Out of the limelight. An observer. An old boyfriend once made the comment that I was an observer, not a participant. He didn't mean it in a negative way. At least I hadn't taken it that way. It was said a life time ago. Today reinforced that comment. I haven't changed at all. Traveling with my colleagues was fun. I Listened closely to what was being said. Participated in the conversations as much as I could. Answered questions that were directed at me. I found the day very draining. The final trip, from the last regional office to our head office I was pushed into the front passenger seat. What I noticed was that my colleagues were very comfortable in this situation. I was not. Previously the conversations had bubbled along. With me, it came to a screaming halt. I forced out a conversation, it was stilted, uncomfortable. Perhaps I would have been better off not trying. I am not sure.

I left work early, I had an appointment with my therapist. (I resumed my sessions with him last week) I was rattled. Last week I had made the trip easy peasy. This week I took a wrong turn. I couldn't seem to concentrate on the navigator and the road signs. My brain was mush. Taking wrong turns is never a good idea in a scrambled city like this one. I did eventually make it to my appointment. A little frazzled.

12/10/13: I never quite got round to finishing the above post, I remember that time clearly, the car trip with boss & now friends. I managed to sort quite a few things out with my therapist, he is a lovely fellow. At the moment I don't need him. I say at the moment only because you never know what is around the corner. 

A lot has happened in the last twelve months, I've learned a lot, met and worked with some really wonderful people, I am now unfortunately looking for another job as my previous position was a 12 month contract that has been extended for a few months. The thought of job interviews used to scare the begingoes out of me. I never really felt I had what it takes. Today I know I do. 

Questions of Motivation

The truth. This new job has been quite a culture shock. I'm an accountant, I have moved from the 'corporate' to the 'not for profit' world. I am used to super efficiency, or at least the aim for efficiency. Where I now work, the motivations are quite different. I am struggling with it. I felt like the proverbial square peg in the corporate world. I'm a square peg yet again. This has unsettled me quite a lot. When I first started I was very happy. The people were warm and friendly, mostly. It hasn't taken long to scratch the surface, to reveal...I wouldn't say artificial...but I need to take care. To pay attention to what motivates each person, it varies a lot. The question remains as to whether my corners can be rounded enough to fit in. What are my motivations? I need to clarify that for myself, enough to work out whether this change is really what I want and need. I am not feeling alone in this. Two of us started the same day. We have developed a good friendship. We both have been faced with the need to adjust culturally. My friend isn't so sure if she has made the right decision. I wonder how the adjustment would have gone for me if I hadn't had her with me. I suspect I would have taken it far worse. I would have taken the failure to fit in very personally. Blaming myself for the failure to fit in. At least I know it isn't just me.

Very slow traffic.

I am spending a lot of time stuck in traffic now. Funnily enough it isn't easy to type and drive. Two things have crossed my mind while sitting in traffic. The first is. Why are there so many morons having traffic accidents? It seems I rarely go a day without some idiot causing an accident on route. Why are people incapable of driving from A to B in a safe manner? Is it that hard to follow simple traffic rules? I seem to manage okay! Rant over!
The second is: I have developed a very odd fascination with the view in my cars side mirror. I desperately want to capture that image. So far I can't quite manage to capture what it is that fascinates me. Here are a couple of attempts.

Work, travel, impatience, frog!

Without really chasing work, work finally caught up with me. I did have the usual dilemma. Should I take the job offered, or go to the next interview? Both jobs suited my criteria. Both required travel. The second offered more money. I deliberated for all of about, ummmm, 30 seconds, took the job on offer. Derr! Who am I kidding. I suck at interviews.

The travel. I can no longer access the train system. Driving is my only option. At the moment I vary my time, sometimes music, sometimes radio. ABC of course! I do have plans to get audio books. At least then I won't miss out on reading? Maybe? To tell you the truth I haven't been reading a lot recently. I'm not sure why.

So now I am again employed. I started work on Monday. At the moment I am not sure whether this was the right decision. I now work for a very large organisation. An organisation that is slow to change. I am wondering right now if my skill/talent for process improvement will eat me away? I have found the people lovely, if a little uninspiring. It doesn't help that the person I report to, reminds me strongly of my step-father. Mannerisms, looks, they share the same first name. I am being unfair. It has only been a week. I haven't done any real work. I've been an observer not a participant.

L. returned from a two week trip to Far North Queensland. She had a wonderful time. We haven't seen her photos. She managed to grow a few inches. Now wearing low heals is not enough for me to appear taller. What do they put in the water in FNQ? I am very glad she is back. It was nice while she was away. Two weeks with M. by himself was a good experience. For all of us.

She brought back a gift for each of us. Mine is a very cute little silver frog on a chain. Squee!

I have no reason to complain at the moment. Life is good. I am feeling a little on the apprehensive side. Is it a remnant of the passed few years? Or is it coming from somewhere else. I don't know.

Calm and Chaos

My day started in a lovely way. There was a thick fog. I am not sure what it is about fog that I love, particularly early morning. Is it the stillness, the quiet, the closeness? Perhaps all three. When I got home after dropping L at school the currawongs were singing. I love the sound of them so much. They are the pied currawongs, I don't know if you are able to listen to their call, so Australian. To me anyway.

Today I got a little necessary grooming done. I had my hair cut, my nails manicured. Okay, maybe not necessary but it made me feel better. P got home early from work, we spent a little quality time together.

It was a lovely day.

Right now I'm listening to the kids. They are mucking around on the piano and the guitar. They have been at it for a few hours now. After niggling at each other most of the afternoon. This current time, while noisy, is lovely. There is a lot of giggling. I am glad the arguing has now stopped. I am glad I forced them to learn some music. It gives them something special.

Winter Warmers

I love the Internet for the fabulous choice of cooking options. I do own thousands of cook books, all of them lovingly displayed. But it is so much easier to find what I want online. My favourite site is www.Taste.com.au which combines several Aussie cooking magazines, including my favourite 'Delicious'. When I feel inspired to cook, a quick search always seems to come up with the perfect recipe.

I have cooked some yummy things in the last week or so. Blueberry muffins, sticky rice pudding, hearty beef casserole. Today I cooked some banana and raspberry bread. There are some advantages to having a little extra time at home. All of my contributions have received a very warm reception.

A Mix of Scrambles

Things are going along quite smoothly. P is settling into the routine of his new job. I think he is enjoying having meals cooked for him, with a little TLC added in. The kids are very happy. They are on school holidays for the next three weeks. M surprised me this morning. He made scrambled eggs for the two of us for breakfast. L isn't expected up for another few hours so we are having some very pleasant mother and son time.

I still have the job thing hanging over me. I am having recurring dreams about going back to my old job, helping them out at the year end. That isn't going to happen. Do the dreams mean I regret leaving? I don't think I feel any regret. Or that I really need to get serious about looking for a job? Probably. The weather is dreary. It makes me want to hibernate. I wonder if it were warmer, would I be more inclined to job hunt? That is tomorrows problem. I really am enjoying spending some time with my family.

The Failed Domestic Goddess

Okay! Somebody please employ me! If I wanted to become a domestic goddess I wouldn't have bothered studying 6 years part-time for my degree while working full-time plus however many tortuous years achieving my CPA. Okay. So being an accountant sucks. But it does get me out of the house away from domestic chores. The main problem really, is that when I am at home alone, I become a bit reclusive, I struggle to make myself leave the house. I do feel better once I go out...it's just getting out the door that is the problem. I need to get a job.

I baked some cookies today, some washing, washed my car, did a little gardening. I pretended I was being productive I am not.

I do have an interview this week. For a position I am very excited about. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high I suck at interviews.

Writers block!

I have been asked to write a letter to a potential employer. Expressing to them why I want the job. The unfortunate thing about this job is, I really want it. If I had to write out what I wanted in a job, this covers 90% of my requirements. So why am I finding it so difficult to sit down and write the letter? To avoid it so far I have had a lovely long shower, eaten some chocolate. I am currently eating pickles on toast-- to the horror of my family. I tried to explain to them it is comfort food. It is something from my childhood. It is now time to make a cup of tea. *sigh* I am running out of excuses and time. It isn't something I want to rush...I will be back after I have put pen to paper.

Pampered Princess

I have had a very, very, nasty head cold the last few days. It has been quite a few years since I had a head cold I am not taking it well. Thankfully P is treating me like a Princess. When is the medical industry going to do the right thing and find a cure for the common cold? Are they simply making TOO much money out of selling us promises that don't deliver?

Almost perfect.

Right now I am sitting in my kitchen. My finger nails are dirty. I've been out in the garden, pottering around. I hate gardening gloves. They filter the gardening experience. The sun is out. It really is a lovely day even though the temperature was only 8C (46f). It is very still.

Life is good right now. Gradually, all the things that weren't working in my life, have now fallen into place. I am becoming the person I want to be. Not perfect. But someone I can be comfortable with. Self discovery is a funny thing. You think you know yourself but don't.

Here are a couple of photos of the day. A beautiful gum tree in our front garden. A dead tree in the back garden. I refer to it as the bird tree as birds love to sit in it.

My Dad

Today I rang my mother and asked where my father’s ashes were. Is it strange to want to visit them after all this time? I wasn't sure what to feel or what I was going to feel. Nothing? He isn't there after all. It is just a plaque in the wall with a few ashes. Where he really is I don't know. P and I made the trip up. I sort of like to do this sort of thing on my own. What If I don't react in the normal way? What is normal? When other people’s friends and family pass away, I never know how to deal with it. Is it better to leave them in peace, to grieve in a personal way, or to express some kind of sympathy? It isn't that I'm not sympathetic, I simply don't want to say or do the wrong thing.

So today. The weather was perfect. The location was about an hour and a half drive north. An easy drive when you have all day. We left home at about 9:30am. Listened to music, chatted a little. When we arrived we asked at the office where to look. I had been to this cemetery for a friends fathers funeral. It felt funny that I had been so close to where my father was and not know. P found the plaque first. I didn’t know what to expect. From myself really, what was P expecting of me? P wanted to say something to my dad. He then left me in peace to work through things myself. Around his plaque, on the right is the empty space put aside for my mother. Will that ever be filled? It won’t be filled by my mother. The ages of the people around him were 82, 75, 75 and a still born child. Then there was dad, 32. I was 6 when he died. His age upset me a lot. I did know that already, but to see it written there, his name, the date he died and age. That’s all. No words of remembrance, love.

 I remember small things. The day he killed a snake when he was wheelbarrowing my sister and I home from the garden; the night he got angry with me for getting sand in everyone’s dinner; the day we found a fruit bat in the shed; the day we visited our future house and found a kingfisher’s nest in the bank of the creek. The day I caused him to injure himself very badly in the boat; The day he danced with me at a bush dance; The visit to the pier where my mother was asked to identify his body; The day of the funeral. Other things I remember about him. Are these my memories or things my mother told me. He liked to read, he liked to fish, he was very hard working, he had a quick temper, he was very old fashioned. As kids we played his old 45’s so he liked music. Small memories but they are enough. Much more than my younger siblings, I am very lucky.

I was upset by the visit. I cried quietly. For myself, for him, for what happened to our family afterward? I am not sure. I am not sure it matters.

Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes

P received an invitation from his mother to watch the placing of his fathers ashes in the cemetery. His mother has a place next to his father ready for her. She is not going to watch. This brought up the discussion of my father, my father died in 1971. He was cremated. A similar plot was put aside for my mother. It won't be needed now. I assume not anyway. She remarried when I was....actually I am not sure when. I wasn't invited to the wedding, just told about it afterward a few years later. Odd as I was getting on okay with my mother then. P asked me would I like to visit my fathers site. I think I would like to. I don't know where it is though. I would have to ask my mother. I have an odd feeling of loneliness for my father. I know that the site is not where he is. I don't know if he is anywhere now, other than a dusty pile of ashes, forgotten.

I Am Sensitive to Self Inflicted Pain.

I have been up to a few things in the last couple of days. Yesterday I cleared out a small garden beneath the kitchen window. I planted some herbs, with M's help. Help may be a little generous for the assistance he offered. :)

Today I visited a laser hair removal clinic. Just in case you are wondering what hair I had removed. Forget it! I am not saying. A friend told me is didn't hurt much. Holy @#¥?# I am never trusting that friend again. Ouch-i-warra! Let's just say some areas are more sensitive than others.

Facing An Internal Hurdle

Yesterday, I found out one of the PA's from my office resigned. I am not surprise. What I am surprised by, is their inability to learn. When I resigned I wrote a letter to the director of the company explaining why I was leaving. I wrote calmly, kept to facts in order that my letter be taken seriously. It wasn't. I was told I am difficult to get on with, that I simply had a personality clash with my boss. There was so much more to it. I have had my say. If they choose to ignore, it's their business. My predecessor left due to an unsatisfactory relationship with my boss. He only lasted 13 months. I put up with it for 4 years. I still feel upset, I felt forced to resign. I may call the PA today, just to say I wish her well. There isn't much point in saying anything else. We know what the issues are.

Yesterday I lost a little confidence, I know I am a very good employee, in the right environment. I need to try and stay positive. It isn't easy. I have always struggled with self confidence. It is funny, the last 12 months have been very difficult. I have gained a lot, I feel a lot stronger as a person having come through it successfully. Things at home are now sorted emotionally which helps a lot. There is just this current hurdle, at the moment I don't seem to be able to get over it. I have been avoiding it for a few weeks, I need to face it. At the moment I'm standing next to it with my hand resting on the bar.

Hurdles are not bad things, without a few challenges life would be pretty dull. I am hoping for just as small window of the dull life to appear.

Police see red!

It has been a good week. A few calls from some employment agents perusing me about jobs. Just enough to convince me I am worth employing. Monday I will get serious about it. Wednesday I picked up my new car. Her name is Sybil. A small car not to be argued with. I was unable to get the red I wanted, so settled for sky blue. It's a nice colour. Maybe now I have a blue car, the police will stop pulling me over. :)

P and I took Sybil for a lovely drive up the coast, a romantic lunch at 'Pearls on the Beach'. Romantic may be stretching it a little, but it was lovely.

Today I had a lovely trip on the train. Relaxing, caught up with emails, read for a while, listened to some music.
Note to self: My next job MUST to be on the train line. I have been missing the train.

Tuesday, I slipped a little into depression. Just a reminder I think. I forced myself to go to the gym, by the time I got home I felt a lot better. I have been to the gym 4 times this week. I'll miss it when I do get a new job. I do feel good physically.

Life is good at the moment, it is going to get better.

Run away screaming, the 70's are back

Monday morning

We had a lovely weekend, the weather is getting much cooler now. It was a quiet weekend for us. No social engagements. The only activities were the kids sport. L & M both had hockey matches Saturday morning. I had planned to go to the gym but didn't. Instead I went shopping with L. She needed some new jeans, she has grown about 6 inches since last winter. It is always fun shopping with L, she is a shopper.  OMG the fashions this year have sprung straight from the late seventies to early eighties. No kidding, there were velour track suits for sale. I wasn't sure if I should run out of the shop screaming, or roll on the floor laughing my arse off.  Fortunately, L showed no interest in buying a velour track suit. It was going to be hard to explain to her why I would let her buy one over my dead body.

I am struggling to find the motivation to look for work at the moment. Relaxing at home, doing the odd house hold chore it extremely theraputic. I feel great. I went to the gym this morning, I am currently doing the washing At this stage I need to job to come to me without any effort on my part.   I'll have to get serious soon. *sigh*

This is the song that has been spinning through my head since I typed in the title.