A Little More Self Awareness

27/9/2012: Tuesday was a funny day for me. It was a day spent traveling with my Boss and two colleagues. We were being introduced and given the opportunity to visit the regional head offices. There are three.

I really like my boss, and have a lot of respect for him. We travelled in his car to the locations. I sat in the back seat. I really think that is where...I was going to say belong, but that would give the wrong impression...it is where I feel most comfortable. Out of the limelight. An observer. An old boyfriend once made the comment that I was an observer, not a participant. He didn't mean it in a negative way. At least I hadn't taken it that way. It was said a life time ago. Today reinforced that comment. I haven't changed at all. Traveling with my colleagues was fun. I Listened closely to what was being said. Participated in the conversations as much as I could. Answered questions that were directed at me. I found the day very draining. The final trip, from the last regional office to our head office I was pushed into the front passenger seat. What I noticed was that my colleagues were very comfortable in this situation. I was not. Previously the conversations had bubbled along. With me, it came to a screaming halt. I forced out a conversation, it was stilted, uncomfortable. Perhaps I would have been better off not trying. I am not sure.

I left work early, I had an appointment with my therapist. (I resumed my sessions with him last week) I was rattled. Last week I had made the trip easy peasy. This week I took a wrong turn. I couldn't seem to concentrate on the navigator and the road signs. My brain was mush. Taking wrong turns is never a good idea in a scrambled city like this one. I did eventually make it to my appointment. A little frazzled.

12/10/13: I never quite got round to finishing the above post, I remember that time clearly, the car trip with boss & now friends. I managed to sort quite a few things out with my therapist, he is a lovely fellow. At the moment I don't need him. I say at the moment only because you never know what is around the corner. 

A lot has happened in the last twelve months, I've learned a lot, met and worked with some really wonderful people, I am now unfortunately looking for another job as my previous position was a 12 month contract that has been extended for a few months. The thought of job interviews used to scare the begingoes out of me. I never really felt I had what it takes. Today I know I do. 

Questions of Motivation

The truth. This new job has been quite a culture shock. I'm an accountant, I have moved from the 'corporate' to the 'not for profit' world. I am used to super efficiency, or at least the aim for efficiency. Where I now work, the motivations are quite different. I am struggling with it. I felt like the proverbial square peg in the corporate world. I'm a square peg yet again. This has unsettled me quite a lot. When I first started I was very happy. The people were warm and friendly, mostly. It hasn't taken long to scratch the surface, to reveal...I wouldn't say artificial...but I need to take care. To pay attention to what motivates each person, it varies a lot. The question remains as to whether my corners can be rounded enough to fit in. What are my motivations? I need to clarify that for myself, enough to work out whether this change is really what I want and need. I am not feeling alone in this. Two of us started the same day. We have developed a good friendship. We both have been faced with the need to adjust culturally. My friend isn't so sure if she has made the right decision. I wonder how the adjustment would have gone for me if I hadn't had her with me. I suspect I would have taken it far worse. I would have taken the failure to fit in very personally. Blaming myself for the failure to fit in. At least I know it isn't just me.

Very slow traffic.

I am spending a lot of time stuck in traffic now. Funnily enough it isn't easy to type and drive. Two things have crossed my mind while sitting in traffic. The first is. Why are there so many morons having traffic accidents? It seems I rarely go a day without some idiot causing an accident on route. Why are people incapable of driving from A to B in a safe manner? Is it that hard to follow simple traffic rules? I seem to manage okay! Rant over!
The second is: I have developed a very odd fascination with the view in my cars side mirror. I desperately want to capture that image. So far I can't quite manage to capture what it is that fascinates me. Here are a couple of attempts.

Work, travel, impatience, frog!

Without really chasing work, work finally caught up with me. I did have the usual dilemma. Should I take the job offered, or go to the next interview? Both jobs suited my criteria. Both required travel. The second offered more money. I deliberated for all of about, ummmm, 30 seconds, took the job on offer. Derr! Who am I kidding. I suck at interviews.

The travel. I can no longer access the train system. Driving is my only option. At the moment I vary my time, sometimes music, sometimes radio. ABC of course! I do have plans to get audio books. At least then I won't miss out on reading? Maybe? To tell you the truth I haven't been reading a lot recently. I'm not sure why.

So now I am again employed. I started work on Monday. At the moment I am not sure whether this was the right decision. I now work for a very large organisation. An organisation that is slow to change. I am wondering right now if my skill/talent for process improvement will eat me away? I have found the people lovely, if a little uninspiring. It doesn't help that the person I report to, reminds me strongly of my step-father. Mannerisms, looks, they share the same first name. I am being unfair. It has only been a week. I haven't done any real work. I've been an observer not a participant.

L. returned from a two week trip to Far North Queensland. She had a wonderful time. We haven't seen her photos. She managed to grow a few inches. Now wearing low heals is not enough for me to appear taller. What do they put in the water in FNQ? I am very glad she is back. It was nice while she was away. Two weeks with M. by himself was a good experience. For all of us.

She brought back a gift for each of us. Mine is a very cute little silver frog on a chain. Squee!

I have no reason to complain at the moment. Life is good. I am feeling a little on the apprehensive side. Is it a remnant of the passed few years? Or is it coming from somewhere else. I don't know.

Calm and Chaos

My day started in a lovely way. There was a thick fog. I am not sure what it is about fog that I love, particularly early morning. Is it the stillness, the quiet, the closeness? Perhaps all three. When I got home after dropping L at school the currawongs were singing. I love the sound of them so much. They are the pied currawongs, I don't know if you are able to listen to their call, so Australian. To me anyway.

Today I got a little necessary grooming done. I had my hair cut, my nails manicured. Okay, maybe not necessary but it made me feel better. P got home early from work, we spent a little quality time together.

It was a lovely day.

Right now I'm listening to the kids. They are mucking around on the piano and the guitar. They have been at it for a few hours now. After niggling at each other most of the afternoon. This current time, while noisy, is lovely. There is a lot of giggling. I am glad the arguing has now stopped. I am glad I forced them to learn some music. It gives them something special.

Winter Warmers

I love the Internet for the fabulous choice of cooking options. I do own thousands of cook books, all of them lovingly displayed. But it is so much easier to find what I want online. My favourite site is www.Taste.com.au which combines several Aussie cooking magazines, including my favourite 'Delicious'. When I feel inspired to cook, a quick search always seems to come up with the perfect recipe.

I have cooked some yummy things in the last week or so. Blueberry muffins, sticky rice pudding, hearty beef casserole. Today I cooked some banana and raspberry bread. There are some advantages to having a little extra time at home. All of my contributions have received a very warm reception.

A Mix of Scrambles

Things are going along quite smoothly. P is settling into the routine of his new job. I think he is enjoying having meals cooked for him, with a little TLC added in. The kids are very happy. They are on school holidays for the next three weeks. M surprised me this morning. He made scrambled eggs for the two of us for breakfast. L isn't expected up for another few hours so we are having some very pleasant mother and son time.

I still have the job thing hanging over me. I am having recurring dreams about going back to my old job, helping them out at the year end. That isn't going to happen. Do the dreams mean I regret leaving? I don't think I feel any regret. Or that I really need to get serious about looking for a job? Probably. The weather is dreary. It makes me want to hibernate. I wonder if it were warmer, would I be more inclined to job hunt? That is tomorrows problem. I really am enjoying spending some time with my family.