Pampered Princess

I have had a very, very, nasty head cold the last few days. It has been quite a few years since I had a head cold I am not taking it well. Thankfully P is treating me like a Princess. When is the medical industry going to do the right thing and find a cure for the common cold? Are they simply making TOO much money out of selling us promises that don't deliver?

Almost perfect.

Right now I am sitting in my kitchen. My finger nails are dirty. I've been out in the garden, pottering around. I hate gardening gloves. They filter the gardening experience. The sun is out. It really is a lovely day even though the temperature was only 8C (46f). It is very still.

Life is good right now. Gradually, all the things that weren't working in my life, have now fallen into place. I am becoming the person I want to be. Not perfect. But someone I can be comfortable with. Self discovery is a funny thing. You think you know yourself but don't.

Here are a couple of photos of the day. A beautiful gum tree in our front garden. A dead tree in the back garden. I refer to it as the bird tree as birds love to sit in it.

My Dad

Today I rang my mother and asked where my father’s ashes were. Is it strange to want to visit them after all this time? I wasn't sure what to feel or what I was going to feel. Nothing? He isn't there after all. It is just a plaque in the wall with a few ashes. Where he really is I don't know. P and I made the trip up. I sort of like to do this sort of thing on my own. What If I don't react in the normal way? What is normal? When other people’s friends and family pass away, I never know how to deal with it. Is it better to leave them in peace, to grieve in a personal way, or to express some kind of sympathy? It isn't that I'm not sympathetic, I simply don't want to say or do the wrong thing.

So today. The weather was perfect. The location was about an hour and a half drive north. An easy drive when you have all day. We left home at about 9:30am. Listened to music, chatted a little. When we arrived we asked at the office where to look. I had been to this cemetery for a friends fathers funeral. It felt funny that I had been so close to where my father was and not know. P found the plaque first. I didn’t know what to expect. From myself really, what was P expecting of me? P wanted to say something to my dad. He then left me in peace to work through things myself. Around his plaque, on the right is the empty space put aside for my mother. Will that ever be filled? It won’t be filled by my mother. The ages of the people around him were 82, 75, 75 and a still born child. Then there was dad, 32. I was 6 when he died. His age upset me a lot. I did know that already, but to see it written there, his name, the date he died and age. That’s all. No words of remembrance, love.

 I remember small things. The day he killed a snake when he was wheelbarrowing my sister and I home from the garden; the night he got angry with me for getting sand in everyone’s dinner; the day we found a fruit bat in the shed; the day we visited our future house and found a kingfisher’s nest in the bank of the creek. The day I caused him to injure himself very badly in the boat; The day he danced with me at a bush dance; The visit to the pier where my mother was asked to identify his body; The day of the funeral. Other things I remember about him. Are these my memories or things my mother told me. He liked to read, he liked to fish, he was very hard working, he had a quick temper, he was very old fashioned. As kids we played his old 45’s so he liked music. Small memories but they are enough. Much more than my younger siblings, I am very lucky.

I was upset by the visit. I cried quietly. For myself, for him, for what happened to our family afterward? I am not sure. I am not sure it matters.

Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes

P received an invitation from his mother to watch the placing of his fathers ashes in the cemetery. His mother has a place next to his father ready for her. She is not going to watch. This brought up the discussion of my father, my father died in 1971. He was cremated. A similar plot was put aside for my mother. It won't be needed now. I assume not anyway. She remarried when I was....actually I am not sure when. I wasn't invited to the wedding, just told about it afterward a few years later. Odd as I was getting on okay with my mother then. P asked me would I like to visit my fathers site. I think I would like to. I don't know where it is though. I would have to ask my mother. I have an odd feeling of loneliness for my father. I know that the site is not where he is. I don't know if he is anywhere now, other than a dusty pile of ashes, forgotten.

I Am Sensitive to Self Inflicted Pain.

I have been up to a few things in the last couple of days. Yesterday I cleared out a small garden beneath the kitchen window. I planted some herbs, with M's help. Help may be a little generous for the assistance he offered. :)

Today I visited a laser hair removal clinic. Just in case you are wondering what hair I had removed. Forget it! I am not saying. A friend told me is didn't hurt much. Holy @#¥?# I am never trusting that friend again. Ouch-i-warra! Let's just say some areas are more sensitive than others.

Facing An Internal Hurdle

Yesterday, I found out one of the PA's from my office resigned. I am not surprise. What I am surprised by, is their inability to learn. When I resigned I wrote a letter to the director of the company explaining why I was leaving. I wrote calmly, kept to facts in order that my letter be taken seriously. It wasn't. I was told I am difficult to get on with, that I simply had a personality clash with my boss. There was so much more to it. I have had my say. If they choose to ignore, it's their business. My predecessor left due to an unsatisfactory relationship with my boss. He only lasted 13 months. I put up with it for 4 years. I still feel upset, I felt forced to resign. I may call the PA today, just to say I wish her well. There isn't much point in saying anything else. We know what the issues are.

Yesterday I lost a little confidence, I know I am a very good employee, in the right environment. I need to try and stay positive. It isn't easy. I have always struggled with self confidence. It is funny, the last 12 months have been very difficult. I have gained a lot, I feel a lot stronger as a person having come through it successfully. Things at home are now sorted emotionally which helps a lot. There is just this current hurdle, at the moment I don't seem to be able to get over it. I have been avoiding it for a few weeks, I need to face it. At the moment I'm standing next to it with my hand resting on the bar.

Hurdles are not bad things, without a few challenges life would be pretty dull. I am hoping for just as small window of the dull life to appear.

Police see red!

It has been a good week. A few calls from some employment agents perusing me about jobs. Just enough to convince me I am worth employing. Monday I will get serious about it. Wednesday I picked up my new car. Her name is Sybil. A small car not to be argued with. I was unable to get the red I wanted, so settled for sky blue. It's a nice colour. Maybe now I have a blue car, the police will stop pulling me over. :)

P and I took Sybil for a lovely drive up the coast, a romantic lunch at 'Pearls on the Beach'. Romantic may be stretching it a little, but it was lovely.

Today I had a lovely trip on the train. Relaxing, caught up with emails, read for a while, listened to some music.
Note to self: My next job MUST to be on the train line. I have been missing the train.

Tuesday, I slipped a little into depression. Just a reminder I think. I forced myself to go to the gym, by the time I got home I felt a lot better. I have been to the gym 4 times this week. I'll miss it when I do get a new job. I do feel good physically.

Life is good at the moment, it is going to get better.

Run away screaming, the 70's are back

Monday morning

We had a lovely weekend, the weather is getting much cooler now. It was a quiet weekend for us. No social engagements. The only activities were the kids sport. L & M both had hockey matches Saturday morning. I had planned to go to the gym but didn't. Instead I went shopping with L. She needed some new jeans, she has grown about 6 inches since last winter. It is always fun shopping with L, she is a shopper.  OMG the fashions this year have sprung straight from the late seventies to early eighties. No kidding, there were velour track suits for sale. I wasn't sure if I should run out of the shop screaming, or roll on the floor laughing my arse off.  Fortunately, L showed no interest in buying a velour track suit. It was going to be hard to explain to her why I would let her buy one over my dead body.

I am struggling to find the motivation to look for work at the moment. Relaxing at home, doing the odd house hold chore it extremely theraputic. I feel great. I went to the gym this morning, I am currently doing the washing At this stage I need to job to come to me without any effort on my part.   I'll have to get serious soon. *sigh*

This is the song that has been spinning through my head since I typed in the title.

   

On holidays or Unemployed?

This week has been a good week so far.

Monday was my last day at work. Now I am officially unemployed. Am I worried? Not at all. It is a major relief. I had a lovely lunch with one of my favourite people from the office. I am never quite sure how to take him. Mostly I don't take what he say's seriously. Anyway he has asked me to go to lunch with him again in 6months time. I bet he forgets. Quite a few people forgot it was my last day and left without saying good bye. Oh well, it was probably better that way. I said goodbye to the people that mattered to me. That chapter is now closed.

Tuesday, woke early, the kids still need to get to school. I went to the gym after they left. Yay! I can take as much time as I like now. Came home showered then P & I went to look at new cars. This was fun. I was a little nervous at first test driving new cars. Okay, I have always loved my old car. Betty. I have had her for over 15 years, in that time she has never let me down. *sigh* she leaks but only when it's raining, the interior light hasn't worked for years, I can't play music, the paint is faded, there are signs of rust, but she has never broken down. I did fall in love with the first car I test drove, a VW Golf, so comfortable, purred like a kitten, such a cute dash. The second car a Subaru Impreza. Very nice indeed, not quite so comfortable, not quite so cute... but far more practical...grizzle grizzle...we went for practical. I am still excited about my new car. If only I hadn't looked at the Golf. In the afternoon I had an interview. It went well, I think, just with an agent. I'm getting my name out there.

Wednesday, same as. kids, gym, then I tried to settle into doing a few chores at home. I was like a chook with my head cut off. All over the place. The weather has been lovely. I was just restless.

Thursday, gym again. I am going to be so fit! A little shoping, then back home to meet P for a date. We drove into the city to see the Archibald Price portraits.

http://www.artgallery.nsw.gov.au/exhibitions/archibald-wynne-sulman-prizes-2012/

We had a lovely time, several paintings for me stood out. After the gallery we had a lovely lunch in the botanical gardens.

At this stage it feels like I'm on holidays. No rush to be anywhere. Soon I'll start to worry about finding work. It won't be this week. Maybe next week. :)