ON THE TRAIN. YAY!

I am on the train today. The first day in forever. I am a shambles. I don't have my book with me, my headphones are all tangled. But OMG it is relaxing. So Much more pleasant then driving in traffic. Why anyone would choose to drive when the opportunity exits to can catch the train, I have know idea. I wonder if there is any chance of convincing...no...sigh. I have missed the train. Now my journey has almost ended. Way too short. There is the trip home.

A Positive Look Through the Retro-spectroscope

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend from my previous employer. It was lovely to catch up, traumatic at the same time. She related the current dramas that exist there. I had been blocking it all out. I had almost forgotten what a poisonous working environment it was. It seems to have gotten worse since I left. Returning to my current employer felt like breathing fresh air. My current job may not be perfect. The people may not be perfect. I am not perfect. That is the way I like it. It is a warm friendly positive working environment. Being a large organisation if there is an issue with a colleague it is big enough for me to adjust. There are plenty of promotion opportunities. If I want that. I am not sure yet. At the moment I am busy settling in, finding my feet.

Last night I had nightmares about my previous employment. I woke very early, unable to sleep. I feel good now. Relieved. I did make the right choice to leave. Things will turn out well.

A Little More Self Awareness

27/9/2012: Tuesday was a funny day for me. It was a day spent traveling with my Boss and two colleagues. We were being introduced and given the opportunity to visit the regional head offices. There are three.

I really like my boss, and have a lot of respect for him. We travelled in his car to the locations. I sat in the back seat. I really think that is where...I was going to say belong, but that would give the wrong impression...it is where I feel most comfortable. Out of the limelight. An observer. An old boyfriend once made the comment that I was an observer, not a participant. He didn't mean it in a negative way. At least I hadn't taken it that way. It was said a life time ago. Today reinforced that comment. I haven't changed at all. Traveling with my colleagues was fun. I Listened closely to what was being said. Participated in the conversations as much as I could. Answered questions that were directed at me. I found the day very draining. The final trip, from the last regional office to our head office I was pushed into the front passenger seat. What I noticed was that my colleagues were very comfortable in this situation. I was not. Previously the conversations had bubbled along. With me, it came to a screaming halt. I forced out a conversation, it was stilted, uncomfortable. Perhaps I would have been better off not trying. I am not sure.

I left work early, I had an appointment with my therapist. (I resumed my sessions with him last week) I was rattled. Last week I had made the trip easy peasy. This week I took a wrong turn. I couldn't seem to concentrate on the navigator and the road signs. My brain was mush. Taking wrong turns is never a good idea in a scrambled city like this one. I did eventually make it to my appointment. A little frazzled.

12/10/13: I never quite got round to finishing the above post, I remember that time clearly, the car trip with boss & now friends. I managed to sort quite a few things out with my therapist, he is a lovely fellow. At the moment I don't need him. I say at the moment only because you never know what is around the corner. 

A lot has happened in the last twelve months, I've learned a lot, met and worked with some really wonderful people, I am now unfortunately looking for another job as my previous position was a 12 month contract that has been extended for a few months. The thought of job interviews used to scare the begingoes out of me. I never really felt I had what it takes. Today I know I do. 

Questions of Motivation

The truth. This new job has been quite a culture shock. I'm an accountant, I have moved from the 'corporate' to the 'not for profit' world. I am used to super efficiency, or at least the aim for efficiency. Where I now work, the motivations are quite different. I am struggling with it. I felt like the proverbial square peg in the corporate world. I'm a square peg yet again. This has unsettled me quite a lot. When I first started I was very happy. The people were warm and friendly, mostly. It hasn't taken long to scratch the surface, to reveal...I wouldn't say artificial...but I need to take care. To pay attention to what motivates each person, it varies a lot. The question remains as to whether my corners can be rounded enough to fit in. What are my motivations? I need to clarify that for myself, enough to work out whether this change is really what I want and need. I am not feeling alone in this. Two of us started the same day. We have developed a good friendship. We both have been faced with the need to adjust culturally. My friend isn't so sure if she has made the right decision. I wonder how the adjustment would have gone for me if I hadn't had her with me. I suspect I would have taken it far worse. I would have taken the failure to fit in very personally. Blaming myself for the failure to fit in. At least I know it isn't just me.

Very slow traffic.

I am spending a lot of time stuck in traffic now. Funnily enough it isn't easy to type and drive. Two things have crossed my mind while sitting in traffic. The first is. Why are there so many morons having traffic accidents? It seems I rarely go a day without some idiot causing an accident on route. Why are people incapable of driving from A to B in a safe manner? Is it that hard to follow simple traffic rules? I seem to manage okay! Rant over!
The second is: I have developed a very odd fascination with the view in my cars side mirror. I desperately want to capture that image. So far I can't quite manage to capture what it is that fascinates me. Here are a couple of attempts.

Work, travel, impatience, frog!

Without really chasing work, work finally caught up with me. I did have the usual dilemma. Should I take the job offered, or go to the next interview? Both jobs suited my criteria. Both required travel. The second offered more money. I deliberated for all of about, ummmm, 30 seconds, took the job on offer. Derr! Who am I kidding. I suck at interviews.

The travel. I can no longer access the train system. Driving is my only option. At the moment I vary my time, sometimes music, sometimes radio. ABC of course! I do have plans to get audio books. At least then I won't miss out on reading? Maybe? To tell you the truth I haven't been reading a lot recently. I'm not sure why.

So now I am again employed. I started work on Monday. At the moment I am not sure whether this was the right decision. I now work for a very large organisation. An organisation that is slow to change. I am wondering right now if my skill/talent for process improvement will eat me away? I have found the people lovely, if a little uninspiring. It doesn't help that the person I report to, reminds me strongly of my step-father. Mannerisms, looks, they share the same first name. I am being unfair. It has only been a week. I haven't done any real work. I've been an observer not a participant.

L. returned from a two week trip to Far North Queensland. She had a wonderful time. We haven't seen her photos. She managed to grow a few inches. Now wearing low heals is not enough for me to appear taller. What do they put in the water in FNQ? I am very glad she is back. It was nice while she was away. Two weeks with M. by himself was a good experience. For all of us.

She brought back a gift for each of us. Mine is a very cute little silver frog on a chain. Squee!

I have no reason to complain at the moment. Life is good. I am feeling a little on the apprehensive side. Is it a remnant of the passed few years? Or is it coming from somewhere else. I don't know.

Calm and Chaos

My day started in a lovely way. There was a thick fog. I am not sure what it is about fog that I love, particularly early morning. Is it the stillness, the quiet, the closeness? Perhaps all three. When I got home after dropping L at school the currawongs were singing. I love the sound of them so much. They are the pied currawongs, I don't know if you are able to listen to their call, so Australian. To me anyway.

Today I got a little necessary grooming done. I had my hair cut, my nails manicured. Okay, maybe not necessary but it made me feel better. P got home early from work, we spent a little quality time together.

It was a lovely day.

Right now I'm listening to the kids. They are mucking around on the piano and the guitar. They have been at it for a few hours now. After niggling at each other most of the afternoon. This current time, while noisy, is lovely. There is a lot of giggling. I am glad the arguing has now stopped. I am glad I forced them to learn some music. It gives them something special.

Winter Warmers

I love the Internet for the fabulous choice of cooking options. I do own thousands of cook books, all of them lovingly displayed. But it is so much easier to find what I want online. My favourite site is www.Taste.com.au which combines several Aussie cooking magazines, including my favourite 'Delicious'. When I feel inspired to cook, a quick search always seems to come up with the perfect recipe.

I have cooked some yummy things in the last week or so. Blueberry muffins, sticky rice pudding, hearty beef casserole. Today I cooked some banana and raspberry bread. There are some advantages to having a little extra time at home. All of my contributions have received a very warm reception.

A Mix of Scrambles

Things are going along quite smoothly. P is settling into the routine of his new job. I think he is enjoying having meals cooked for him, with a little TLC added in. The kids are very happy. They are on school holidays for the next three weeks. M surprised me this morning. He made scrambled eggs for the two of us for breakfast. L isn't expected up for another few hours so we are having some very pleasant mother and son time.

I still have the job thing hanging over me. I am having recurring dreams about going back to my old job, helping them out at the year end. That isn't going to happen. Do the dreams mean I regret leaving? I don't think I feel any regret. Or that I really need to get serious about looking for a job? Probably. The weather is dreary. It makes me want to hibernate. I wonder if it were warmer, would I be more inclined to job hunt? That is tomorrows problem. I really am enjoying spending some time with my family.

The Failed Domestic Goddess

Okay! Somebody please employ me! If I wanted to become a domestic goddess I wouldn't have bothered studying 6 years part-time for my degree while working full-time plus however many tortuous years achieving my CPA. Okay. So being an accountant sucks. But it does get me out of the house away from domestic chores. The main problem really, is that when I am at home alone, I become a bit reclusive, I struggle to make myself leave the house. I do feel better once I go out...it's just getting out the door that is the problem. I need to get a job.

I baked some cookies today, some washing, washed my car, did a little gardening. I pretended I was being productive I am not.

I do have an interview this week. For a position I am very excited about. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high I suck at interviews.

Writers block!

I have been asked to write a letter to a potential employer. Expressing to them why I want the job. The unfortunate thing about this job is, I really want it. If I had to write out what I wanted in a job, this covers 90% of my requirements. So why am I finding it so difficult to sit down and write the letter? To avoid it so far I have had a lovely long shower, eaten some chocolate. I am currently eating pickles on toast-- to the horror of my family. I tried to explain to them it is comfort food. It is something from my childhood. It is now time to make a cup of tea. *sigh* I am running out of excuses and time. It isn't something I want to rush...I will be back after I have put pen to paper.

Pampered Princess

I have had a very, very, nasty head cold the last few days. It has been quite a few years since I had a head cold I am not taking it well. Thankfully P is treating me like a Princess. When is the medical industry going to do the right thing and find a cure for the common cold? Are they simply making TOO much money out of selling us promises that don't deliver?

Almost perfect.

Right now I am sitting in my kitchen. My finger nails are dirty. I've been out in the garden, pottering around. I hate gardening gloves. They filter the gardening experience. The sun is out. It really is a lovely day even though the temperature was only 8C (46f). It is very still.

Life is good right now. Gradually, all the things that weren't working in my life, have now fallen into place. I am becoming the person I want to be. Not perfect. But someone I can be comfortable with. Self discovery is a funny thing. You think you know yourself but don't.

Here are a couple of photos of the day. A beautiful gum tree in our front garden. A dead tree in the back garden. I refer to it as the bird tree as birds love to sit in it.

My Dad

Today I rang my mother and asked where my father’s ashes were. Is it strange to want to visit them after all this time? I wasn't sure what to feel or what I was going to feel. Nothing? He isn't there after all. It is just a plaque in the wall with a few ashes. Where he really is I don't know. P and I made the trip up. I sort of like to do this sort of thing on my own. What If I don't react in the normal way? What is normal? When other people’s friends and family pass away, I never know how to deal with it. Is it better to leave them in peace, to grieve in a personal way, or to express some kind of sympathy? It isn't that I'm not sympathetic, I simply don't want to say or do the wrong thing.

So today. The weather was perfect. The location was about an hour and a half drive north. An easy drive when you have all day. We left home at about 9:30am. Listened to music, chatted a little. When we arrived we asked at the office where to look. I had been to this cemetery for a friends fathers funeral. It felt funny that I had been so close to where my father was and not know. P found the plaque first. I didn’t know what to expect. From myself really, what was P expecting of me? P wanted to say something to my dad. He then left me in peace to work through things myself. Around his plaque, on the right is the empty space put aside for my mother. Will that ever be filled? It won’t be filled by my mother. The ages of the people around him were 82, 75, 75 and a still born child. Then there was dad, 32. I was 6 when he died. His age upset me a lot. I did know that already, but to see it written there, his name, the date he died and age. That’s all. No words of remembrance, love.

 I remember small things. The day he killed a snake when he was wheelbarrowing my sister and I home from the garden; the night he got angry with me for getting sand in everyone’s dinner; the day we found a fruit bat in the shed; the day we visited our future house and found a kingfisher’s nest in the bank of the creek. The day I caused him to injure himself very badly in the boat; The day he danced with me at a bush dance; The visit to the pier where my mother was asked to identify his body; The day of the funeral. Other things I remember about him. Are these my memories or things my mother told me. He liked to read, he liked to fish, he was very hard working, he had a quick temper, he was very old fashioned. As kids we played his old 45’s so he liked music. Small memories but they are enough. Much more than my younger siblings, I am very lucky.

I was upset by the visit. I cried quietly. For myself, for him, for what happened to our family afterward? I am not sure. I am not sure it matters.

Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes

P received an invitation from his mother to watch the placing of his fathers ashes in the cemetery. His mother has a place next to his father ready for her. She is not going to watch. This brought up the discussion of my father, my father died in 1971. He was cremated. A similar plot was put aside for my mother. It won't be needed now. I assume not anyway. She remarried when I was....actually I am not sure when. I wasn't invited to the wedding, just told about it afterward a few years later. Odd as I was getting on okay with my mother then. P asked me would I like to visit my fathers site. I think I would like to. I don't know where it is though. I would have to ask my mother. I have an odd feeling of loneliness for my father. I know that the site is not where he is. I don't know if he is anywhere now, other than a dusty pile of ashes, forgotten.

I Am Sensitive to Self Inflicted Pain.

I have been up to a few things in the last couple of days. Yesterday I cleared out a small garden beneath the kitchen window. I planted some herbs, with M's help. Help may be a little generous for the assistance he offered. :)

Today I visited a laser hair removal clinic. Just in case you are wondering what hair I had removed. Forget it! I am not saying. A friend told me is didn't hurt much. Holy @#¥?# I am never trusting that friend again. Ouch-i-warra! Let's just say some areas are more sensitive than others.

Facing An Internal Hurdle

Yesterday, I found out one of the PA's from my office resigned. I am not surprise. What I am surprised by, is their inability to learn. When I resigned I wrote a letter to the director of the company explaining why I was leaving. I wrote calmly, kept to facts in order that my letter be taken seriously. It wasn't. I was told I am difficult to get on with, that I simply had a personality clash with my boss. There was so much more to it. I have had my say. If they choose to ignore, it's their business. My predecessor left due to an unsatisfactory relationship with my boss. He only lasted 13 months. I put up with it for 4 years. I still feel upset, I felt forced to resign. I may call the PA today, just to say I wish her well. There isn't much point in saying anything else. We know what the issues are.

Yesterday I lost a little confidence, I know I am a very good employee, in the right environment. I need to try and stay positive. It isn't easy. I have always struggled with self confidence. It is funny, the last 12 months have been very difficult. I have gained a lot, I feel a lot stronger as a person having come through it successfully. Things at home are now sorted emotionally which helps a lot. There is just this current hurdle, at the moment I don't seem to be able to get over it. I have been avoiding it for a few weeks, I need to face it. At the moment I'm standing next to it with my hand resting on the bar.

Hurdles are not bad things, without a few challenges life would be pretty dull. I am hoping for just as small window of the dull life to appear.

Police see red!

It has been a good week. A few calls from some employment agents perusing me about jobs. Just enough to convince me I am worth employing. Monday I will get serious about it. Wednesday I picked up my new car. Her name is Sybil. A small car not to be argued with. I was unable to get the red I wanted, so settled for sky blue. It's a nice colour. Maybe now I have a blue car, the police will stop pulling me over. :)

P and I took Sybil for a lovely drive up the coast, a romantic lunch at 'Pearls on the Beach'. Romantic may be stretching it a little, but it was lovely.

Today I had a lovely trip on the train. Relaxing, caught up with emails, read for a while, listened to some music.
Note to self: My next job MUST to be on the train line. I have been missing the train.

Tuesday, I slipped a little into depression. Just a reminder I think. I forced myself to go to the gym, by the time I got home I felt a lot better. I have been to the gym 4 times this week. I'll miss it when I do get a new job. I do feel good physically.

Life is good at the moment, it is going to get better.

Run away screaming, the 70's are back

Monday morning

We had a lovely weekend, the weather is getting much cooler now. It was a quiet weekend for us. No social engagements. The only activities were the kids sport. L & M both had hockey matches Saturday morning. I had planned to go to the gym but didn't. Instead I went shopping with L. She needed some new jeans, she has grown about 6 inches since last winter. It is always fun shopping with L, she is a shopper.  OMG the fashions this year have sprung straight from the late seventies to early eighties. No kidding, there were velour track suits for sale. I wasn't sure if I should run out of the shop screaming, or roll on the floor laughing my arse off.  Fortunately, L showed no interest in buying a velour track suit. It was going to be hard to explain to her why I would let her buy one over my dead body.

I am struggling to find the motivation to look for work at the moment. Relaxing at home, doing the odd house hold chore it extremely theraputic. I feel great. I went to the gym this morning, I am currently doing the washing At this stage I need to job to come to me without any effort on my part.   I'll have to get serious soon. *sigh*

This is the song that has been spinning through my head since I typed in the title.

   

On holidays or Unemployed?

This week has been a good week so far.

Monday was my last day at work. Now I am officially unemployed. Am I worried? Not at all. It is a major relief. I had a lovely lunch with one of my favourite people from the office. I am never quite sure how to take him. Mostly I don't take what he say's seriously. Anyway he has asked me to go to lunch with him again in 6months time. I bet he forgets. Quite a few people forgot it was my last day and left without saying good bye. Oh well, it was probably better that way. I said goodbye to the people that mattered to me. That chapter is now closed.

Tuesday, woke early, the kids still need to get to school. I went to the gym after they left. Yay! I can take as much time as I like now. Came home showered then P & I went to look at new cars. This was fun. I was a little nervous at first test driving new cars. Okay, I have always loved my old car. Betty. I have had her for over 15 years, in that time she has never let me down. *sigh* she leaks but only when it's raining, the interior light hasn't worked for years, I can't play music, the paint is faded, there are signs of rust, but she has never broken down. I did fall in love with the first car I test drove, a VW Golf, so comfortable, purred like a kitten, such a cute dash. The second car a Subaru Impreza. Very nice indeed, not quite so comfortable, not quite so cute... but far more practical...grizzle grizzle...we went for practical. I am still excited about my new car. If only I hadn't looked at the Golf. In the afternoon I had an interview. It went well, I think, just with an agent. I'm getting my name out there.

Wednesday, same as. kids, gym, then I tried to settle into doing a few chores at home. I was like a chook with my head cut off. All over the place. The weather has been lovely. I was just restless.

Thursday, gym again. I am going to be so fit! A little shoping, then back home to meet P for a date. We drove into the city to see the Archibald Price portraits.

http://www.artgallery.nsw.gov.au/exhibitions/archibald-wynne-sulman-prizes-2012/

We had a lovely time, several paintings for me stood out. After the gallery we had a lovely lunch in the botanical gardens.

At this stage it feels like I'm on holidays. No rush to be anywhere. Soon I'll start to worry about finding work. It won't be this week. Maybe next week. :)

Today is a good day.

What a lovely morning. A crisp cool autumn day, beautiful blue sky, refreshing and sweet. Having had the day off yesterday I was relaxed and ready to start the day. I also slept well which always helps.

On the train I discovered I'd forgotten to pack my phone. It forced me to pick up the book I am currently reading, Ulysses. P and I are reading it together. I've been dragging the chain a little I must confess. There are passages I've read that make me go a little gaga. I have the feeling I should start afresh from the beginning but worry in doing so, the meaning still wouldn't reveal itself. I get glimmers of meaning, get distracted then just read words on the page. Like viewing a beautiful scene through thick fog. It helped that I didn't have my phone this morning, no distractions. I listened to: Stars of the Lid while reading

This was perfect.

I did eventually leave Stephen on the beach, deeply immersed in his stream of consciousness. I relaxed, let SotL sooth the rest of my journey. Today is a good day.

Gardening,driving,relaxing -> Am I old now?

After a very pleasant weekend, the weather turned a little cooler today. That means I'm wearing a three quarter sleeve woollen top, rather than I cotton top today. The school holidays are starting to come to an end. My kids go back on Thursday. There was no sport this weekend, which makes for a very relaxing weekend.  I spent a lovely hour in the garden with M. yesterday.  His incentive was some monetary remuneration, but he was happy working beside me which was very nice.

I went for a drive with P on Saturday to locate a gym, I needed to transfer my membership. The location on the website was incorrect. What should have been a quick trip ended in a pleasant, funny afternoon drive. Just the two of us, listening to music, relaxed on an odd trip of exploration. Yes, we did eventually locate the gym.

I have a number of CD's to listen to as a result of a music exchange with some friends. The question is, how honest are we meant to be when it comes to commenting on friends music taste? I don't expect anyone to like all the same music I do. Music either resonates with you or it doesn't. It really isn't a question of good or bad music. Wellllllll, in some cases it is. I still can't forgive my parents for the repetitive torture inflicted on me by very poor quality country music. I will listen to, and do like some country music now. But I tend to listen to it with a natural instinct to run away screaming. Recently, my music has been insultingly described as easy listening. I was insulted anyway as I equate easy listening with old age...Is that what is happening to me? I do know my taste in music has matured over the last 10 years. This is currently one of my favourite songs. I don't think you would have gotten me to listen to it when I was in my 20's.

Back on the Train

Back on the train this morning after a lovely break taken sunning myself on the beach with my family. I've missed the train ride. For some reason I relax more. I don't know if it's because I'm surrounded by people I don't know, the movement of the train. Or maybe it's a time when no one makes any demands of me. This morning I read my book and listened to the Album Happy Songs for Happy People by Mogwai. I do have to thank you Anthony for putting me on to this. I love it so much. It is perfect for listening while reading on the train ride.

This is not to say I didn't relax on my holiday. I did, however I always felt a little on edge. I also had a feeling of lethargy that I couldn't shake. I needed my family to get me going each day, otherwise I may have simply huddling in the unit by myself. It is hard to describe. I didn't even want to read. 

The kids had a lovely time learning to surf. The water was warm, the sun soft. Beautiful.

The success of the surfing lessons was varied, both kids had fun and got out of it what they wanted too. L is more into the social side of sporting activities. M is more interested in competing. 

Travellers

I have been a little absent my apologies. I had a couple of other photos I wanted to share from the art exhibition. I wonder how many other people out there consider the journey of the daily trip to work, school, university or whatever, as something more than simply a chore to be endured. One young artist has been inspired by their journey. The following is how it came together for them.

Picasso Picasso Picasso

Sunday L. P. & I went to the Art Gallery of NSW specifally to the visiting Picasso art exhibition.

http://www.artgallery.nsw.gov.au/exhibitions/picasso/room-by-room/

No pictures were allowed to be taken of the exhibition it's self. This was the best I could do.

 I have always loved Picasso, not all his work but a lot of it. It is interesting talking to people about the exhibition. It seems to divide people quite strongly. I loved it. The exhibition walked you through the changing periods in Picasso's life, each period strikingly different, yet you can still see the fundamental character that carried through his work.

The Deluge

It was a very busy weekend. Thankfully the rain managed to wash out some of the sporting activities which made the weekend bareable. Friday night my son played in his baseball semi-final. They won 5 to 4. With 3 RBI's to his name, M was feeling pretty happy with himself. I didn't make it to the game as I took my daughter L to her hockey match. The first game of the season with quite a few newbies in the team they defended well magnificently to keep the score to a 0 - 2 loss.  Saturday morning we were up at 6:30am. L. had a softball game, M had a hockey match both at 8:00am. The softball game was called of at 7:15am. Only a violent thunder storm stops a hockey match. L got the luxury of remain at home while we attended M's game. It was only raining lightly. Not long after we arrived a deluge of water hit the field.

They played, the deluge only lasted about 15 minutes and hockey fields are designed to drain quickly.

Don't Mess with my Morning Rhythm

What is it with people at the moment? I like to get to the train platform with plenty of time to wait for the train to arrive. When I say plenty of time, I mean I have between 6 to 2 minutes to wait for the train to arrive, depending on the traffic.

When I arrive at the platform I have a casual stroll to the other end, I like to get into the second carriage from the front of the train. There are always the usual suspects on the platform who also obviously like to have plenty of time to spare. I walk past the regulars. The young blind chap with his walking stick. There’s the tall fiftyish man who reminds me a little of Michael Cain. There is the irritating Asian couple who like to take 15 minutes to reverse park their car at the perfect right angle in the car park. If you are unlucky enough to find yourself walking behind them on the foot path, walk at a frustrating snail’s pace and leave no room for you to walk past. There is the man and his son I always stand slightly behind and to the side when I arrive to wait for the train. No one smiles. This platform is a very sombre platform. My comment this morning is about getting on the train. I am third to arrive to wait for the train where I get on. I don’t know how it happens, I always seem to get jostled out of the way when it’s time to get on the train. Why is this? There are always plenty of seats, even though I’m last on, I generally have my choice of seat, by the window, on a three seater by myself. Why do these people feel it’s necessary to push to the front, shoving me out of the way? Is it the need to feel first on? Is it the rush of every day that starts as soon as they get out of bed? Or have they simply had too much coffee? I am quite happy to make way for them. I’m relaxed once I get to my waiting spot.  I know I’ll have the 53 minutes of blissful relaxing time. It would spoil my trip if I rushed.

I laughed a little at myself after I re-read this entry. Here I am complaining about the snail’s pace of a couple walking, when I am complaining about people rushing. In my defence, I simply like to walk at my own pace. I don’t like it dictated by others. It upsets my rhythm.

I hope It’s a nice day for you. My day is starting out relaxed. I listened to Bach while reading this morning. Very relaxing.

Shock, Leading to Empowerment.

After I resigned I have been through a range of emotions. It really has unsettled my train trips. I've found I can't concentrate on anything for long. So I read for a while, listen to music for a while, send a few disjointed emails. Shock--is that an emotion or a state of being?--played a big part in my first week; immense relief; fear of an unknown future: anger that I should have felt forced to leave. These emotional states have cycled through me at a rapid rate. Right now I feel empowered. I just had a heart to heart with my boss. It went really well. I won't say we are now bosom buddies, but I can now leave knowing I don't hold any animosity toward him. I am relieved by that, it would have lingered with me for a very long time. There are always two sides to every story. Each person has an entirely different perspective, with some validity. Today, for the first time, I was able to get my boss to appreciate my perspective. Too late for him as I have made the decision to leave, there is no turning back. I hope my boss can learn something from this experience. I've given him the opportunity anyway. Somewhere along the line communications broke down between us. Part of it was some issues of mine; a lot of it was him. I've always felt like didn’t fit in this role. There is no guarantee the next job will be better, I'll do my best to ensure that it doesn't occur a second time. The job market looks good today, there were quite a few positions that looked worthy of my interest.

The music I listened to today was from a collection of songs put together in July for a group of friends. I was proud of the final result.  I did get some extremely valuable help from my partner. At the time I lacked the confidence to complete it on my own.

Here is one of the songs from the collection I listened to this morning.

Cool --> Dud in 15 minutes

A few weeks ago, I got a new phone. I had been really happy with my old one, but I had started to have battery problems, the keys on the keyboard weren't working properly, other problems, just niggly little things. My new phone is an iPhone. Yes, I sold my soul to the devil. I struggled with the new phone. I had never owned an iProduct previously, it didn't do things the way I was used to. A week in, my loyalty was shifting. A few weeks later and I am addict. I discovered apps. Like a little frog I dipped my toe in the pond, I explored my options. What I discovered were educational apps, but where to start? Do I want to learn a language? That could be fun. Should I catch up on some English Literature? It has always been a weakness!  Photography, yes I need to learn how to improve my shots. Ohhhhhh so much choice! at such a small price. So what were my new apps this week? My two favourites are the very cool star app that identifies where stars, planets, galaxies etc are located. I can now look up at the night sky and identify what I'm looking at. I already know and can identify some constellations from my studies in astronomy at school. Now I can fill in all the missing spaces, that is, if the lights of Sydney didn't interfere so much. But if I could see them, I could, honest! The second app I picked up is a frog guide. It was created by the Australian Museum. It identifying frogs around Australia, complete with locality, interesting frog facts, photos, and more importantly, a recording of each frogs call. Brilliant. So I show my kids the two new apps, I was really excited by their coolness. After an initial excited interest, my apps were labeled duds. Oh well. I know one day they will show more interest. I just have to be patient :)

If I Run

I discovered on Wednesday, if I see the train coming while I'm standing near my car, if I run, I can still catch it. Always good to know!

The weather's a little cooler today. It suited my mood as I was deliberating if on Tuesday I had made a very unwise move. I quit my job. I have wanted to quit for a very long time, but I suffer from chronic inertia when it comes to changing jobs. Generally it takes a company collapse, having a baby or something equally as significant to get me moving. On Tuesday, after a long period of tolerating a boss who liked to use me as a punching bag, I resigned. I am feeling a little nervous right now. The job market isn't great and I don't interview well. I think people have employed me in the past because they felt sorry for me. Okay, I'm steeling my back bone. It was the right thing to do, the timing just wasn't ideal.

This was my view from the train, crossing the harbour bridge this morning.

It was my husband’s birthday yesterday. His gifts were a little lame. I've been a bit distracted. I had ordered a book for him on-line (not the only thing he was given). I received a message from the company last week to say the book had arrived at their warehouse damaged. They appreciated my patience. Ha, it's not their spouse’s birthday they were stuffing up. Oh well! Next year I'll do a better job. Maybe--things have a habit of distracting me from the task. 

I'm looking forward to finishing work today, looking forward to a relaxing weekend. I have my daughter’s softball grand finale. The team is a lovely bunch of girls who don't necessarily take softball very seriously. It will be interesting to see how they react to grand final conditions. My guess is that they will step up a notch. My husband also has his baseball grand final on. For a team in the lowest possible grade in all chrisandum. They take it very seriously. Or is it the esky after the match they take seriously? In any case, I am not expecting to have my voice in tacked after all the cheering I'm going to do this weekend.

Guilty Pleasures

This weekend I had to make a guilty confession to the family. I have had a little black cloud hanging over me.  My confession… I’d been catching the slow train home on Friday nights without telling them. I know I’m very bad. I just needed the extra relaxation time the slow train allowed me.  I needed to ease into the weekend after a stressful week at work. It made me feel so guilty, like I was selfishly stealing some family time. My confession is out now. I’ve been granted permission to indulge in my guilty pleasure…bliss…on the proviso that I do catch the fast train when I’m needed at home early on the odd occasion. I was doing that anyway. Nothing has change except I no longer need to feel guilty. J

A Melancholy Friday

Today could only be described as gloomy. I was going to say it was cold, but I’m sitting here in a sleeveless top. Perhaps cool would be a better way to describe it. I am feeling melancholy. The mood on the train was weary? It's Friday. Rainy, more rain expected. After the long years of drought, it has taken people a while to adjust to this current extended period of rain. I’ve adjusted. I carry my umbrella with me always. I’ve started wearing dresses again, my trousers were getting soaked at the cuffs.  

A lot of people must have slept in this morning. My train carriage was half empty. My friend was on the train.  I chose not to sit next to him. Was that rude? I’m not sure. He was engrossed in his book.  I wanted some time to read, some quiet time to myself. Glancing around I looked to see what people now do to amuse themselves. It has changed a lot since I first started catching the train. In the early days you would get the annoying person next to you, struggling to read their broadsheet newspaper. Inconsiderate idiots. The book readers, which allowed you to peek at what they were reading, sometimes leading to a discussion.  There were only a few who listened to music. In those days the trains were jam packed. Finding a seat wasn’t guaranteed. Now the trains run more frequently, I live further away from the city, I have my choice of seat and it’s crowded only on the rare occasion when trains are delayed. Today, quite a few people are playing on their phones. Listening to music. Reading, some paper books, mostly eBooks. A small number of people are sitting with nothing to amuse themselves but their thoughts.  They don’t appear to be happy thoughts. One young girl is sleeping. Two young blond girls got on the train about half way through the trip. They were chatting quite loudly. Blissfully ignorant of the dirty glares they received from some fellow passengers.

From the train station to my office I took my time. I’m always early, no need to rush. I took the time to take some photos of my favourite building along the way.

 Who are these people? I feel I should recognise some of them, but don’t. The sign to the car park says ARTISTS IN RESIDENCE. Are these pictures of the artists themselves? There was a sign advertising beer above the pictures at one stage. I am glad it's gone. It spoiled the image.

Leap Year

I can feel the frogs wanting a say in my blog today, so here is the next froggy instalment.

My favourite frog as a kid will hardly surprise anyone. Of course it has to be the large green tree frog. Now my introduction to these glorious creatures was a little delayed. I grew up in a very small coastal country town in northern NSW. We arrived there when I was three, lived in a shed while my dad commenced building our house. The toilet must have been the first thing built. It was an out back dunny, in the days when the dunny man (otherwise known as the sanitary man) still came around for his weekly collection. Yep, gross!  At the time it was just part of life. Man, I used to dread whenever the need struck me to do a nightly scamper to the toilet. I was shit scared of the dark. There were not lights on the way, no lights when you got there. Of course I always left the need to run until the very last minute.  Hee! Okay, I’ve gotten off track. This is relevant honest!

 

Yay! Finally we upgraded to a septic tank. I must have been nine or ten at the time. No more dunny runs in the dark. We now had the luxury of a flush toilet...inside the house…can you imagine it? The next surprise, green tree frogs love flush toilets. Wheeeeee! Oh My God.  I Squealed with delight as I pull them out. Now my mother  told me I would get warts if I  touched them. As if that would stop me!  Am I grossing you out yet? Believe me I never noticed germs, not after the out-back dunny days. Green tree frogs rule!

I'm in frog heaven! I just noticed the google today! Are they reading my mind? Now I'm scared.

Okay, no, it's about the leap year. Their timing is a little scary.

Two Teens!?!

Ahhhhh heaven. Back on the slow train this morning. 

I managed to catch up with a friend this morning. A dad of one of my sons friends. He is very good to chat too. The conversation was cut short due to the additional crowd, caused by the train being a little late. I read while listening to Sigur Ros so I can't say I minded too much. I was a little annoyed with people climbing over me on a regular basis, the hazard of an aisle seat on a crowded day.

No chance to sort the photos last night. I ended up having to take work home.

It's my sons birthday today. I'm now the proud owner of two teens. Does anyone know what to do with those?

More later.

An Unexpected Allergy!

Today was my last late day for quite some time. Yay! I am so looking forward to the return to normal routine.

My weekend was rather frantic, but also very satisfying.

Canberra, I am guessing is the most manicured city in Australia. I can't say for sure as I haven't been to all of them. The other thing I discovered is I'm allergic to it. My nose started dripping a few of hours after we arrived. Was it the politicians or the pollen? In any case, now that I'm back in Sydney, the dripping has stopped.

It was a brief trip squeezed between sporting events.

We took the kids to a water park late in the afternoon after we arrived. It was a blast. With low cues the kids exhausted themselves running up the stairs, sliding down the various slides without too much break between each one. It's the most voluntary exercise my daughter has had in years.

We went to a Mediterranean Restaurant for dinner. The meal was alfresco. The weather was perfect, the street quiet. It was also a short walk to our hotel. The kids are now old enough to enjoy sitting down to a nice meal and be entertained by conversation. We had the camera with us. The theme of the evening shots; selfies. There was a lot of giggling. I think I need to work on my selfies pose. I looked pretty much like I was practicing for a gurning competition.

The following morning we went to the Renaissance exhibition at the National Art Gallery. Surprisingly, my son didn't complain at all during the exhibition. The exhibition was good rather than great. The art pieces where exquisitely painted and beautiful, as expected from the renaissance period. It's just not the style of art that excites my interest. There were a few Bellini paintings which were my favourites of the exhibition. It was well worth the visit.

Reporting on the baseball & softball: Two losses for the weekend.

The weather report today stated that, for the first time this summer, we have had two days without rain. Yoohoo! Summer finishes on Wednesday. Bummer! I hope autumn will be a little drier.

Tomorrow I’ll try and sort through the photos to see if any are worth posting.

No trains today. No frogs today.

RUSH, RUSH,RUSH

I took a photo on my way home last night. This is the street where I now live.

Another lovely day today. Another late start, heaven. I finally got to the office around 11:30. No time to chat, no time for lunch. If nothing else, it does make the day go fast. I also didn't get my usual relaxing trip on the train or a chance to go to the gym. Okay so I paid the price for a slow start to the morning. Rush, rush, rush ever since.

I've been having difficulties entering into the blog today. It kept insisting I down load Google Crome as Windows Internet Explorer was no longer supported by blogger. Pfffff, I resisted all day, buckled and loaded Crome. *sigh* I am starting to suspect google now knows more about me than I do and has more control over my life.

It's Friday YAY! Friday means casual wear to the office and drinks after work. I have the casual wear covered, but I'm not staying for drinks. I'm going to watch my son's baseball game instead. I do get to catch the slow train home this evening. I am looking forward to that.

There won't be much time for blogging over the weekend so I'd better write up the itinerary.

• Friday night sons baseball game, plus do the washing.
• Saturday morning - daughters softball match - at the ground by 7:15am, rostered for canteen duty *groan*.
• Saturday sometime after 9:30 - drive to Canberra.
• Saturday arvo sometime - take the kids to the water park.
• Saturday if there's time - visit Questacon  -  http://www.questacon.edu.au/#national
• Saturday evening - walk to a nice restaurant, type to be determined, eat, drink, stagger back to the hotel.
• Sunday - leisurely get up to a sumptuous breakfast.
• Sunday at a reasonable time in the morning - visit the National Art Gallery to see the Renaissance exhibition.  http://nga.gov.au/exhibition/renaissance/Default.cfm?MNUID=10
• Return to Sydney Sunday afternoon, in time for a late afternoon baseball match.
• Home, crash, wonder where my weekend went.

Maybe I'll get a chance to tell you how things went on my return. Until then have a great weekend.

Scattered Clouds

A better day on the train this morning, scattered clouds, very pleasant. I replied to a message from a friend thanking me for a gift I sent. I was mildly distracted by the two men in front of me discussing women. I couldn't help smiling to myself. It's not often I get an insight into the minds of men. I don't remember much of their discussion, I really wasn't paying much attention, except for the part in the discussion about a drunken woman at a party, who had insisted one of them feel her breast implants and the surprise at how soft they were. :) On finishing my message, I fiddled with my phone. I've only had it for a week and haven't had time to sort out my music play lists. Flicking from song to song I finally settled on the Laura Marling album 'I Speak Because I Can'. My favourite song on the album is the following

I love the drums.

Walking from the train to my office, I had a little swagger in my step. Is swagger a term you would use for a girl? Maybe I should have said I had a swing in my step. The swing was prompted by the cute guy who gave me an appreciative up and down look as I stepped off the train. Ha! I thought I had lost it!

Last night I went to dinner and the theatre. This was my dinner view.

We saw Pygmalion, described unenthusiastically by critics as minimalist. I really enjoyed the minimalist approach. Everyone knows the story after all. It had a slight twist at the end. Eliza became a strong independent woman. She rocked! The actress reminded my of Audrey Hepburn, gorgeous.


Carry on. Enjoy your day.

Little Johns Tree frog

I thought maybe I would try a frog posting...I might tire of it but will see where it leads.

The first frog, since we had one invade our house last Christmas, is the Little Johns Tree Frog (Litoria littlejohni). I can't tell you how excited my little tadpoles were to have it in the house. He (I have no idea what sex it was) was about an inch and a half long. We did guide him gently outside. He found his way to a nice shady spot by our pool.  Our house backed onto dense bushland, with a gully just below. The perfect habitat for a Little John.

We did take some photos but none were worth posting. So thanks to the Frogs of Australia web site I can at least share a decent shot of one.

http://frogs.org.au/frogs/show_image.php?image_id=422

A very handsome fellow, wouldn't you agree?

Day Two - on the train

Day two, I'm back again, another quiet day on the train, nothing happening there at the moment. It's lovely and relaxing. The mood was lighter today. Whether people were over the Monday blues, or the depressed mood was all in my mind, I'll never know.

I should tell you a little about the trains I catch. I can catch a slow train or a fast train. This is how I define them anyway. Whether the fast train travels physically faster than the slow train, I don't know. It feels like it does.

The slow train takes a different route to the fast train. It travels east then south in the mornings, crossing the harbour bridge. I counted the stops at one stage, I think it was 15. On the slow train you get Sydney workers traveling to the city, mostly business people. The train is never crowded. I always catch the slow train in the morning. It's a lovely way to start the day.  In the evenings, I'm more likely to catch the fast train. The fast train is a country train, which travels on to Newcastle. It has a more diverse crowd. The people are louder, have more character & colour. Not always pleasant. If I were a little green tree frog I would piss on their feet to give them warts. As I'm not, I try and block them out to selfishly squeeze some 'me' time into my trip. The train travels west then north, it crosses the Parramatta River. I get off after three stops then catch my regular train, with 2 stops to go. The time difference between the fast and slow train is about 20 minutes.  20 minutes of extra blissful reading, quiet time in the mornings. :)

I need to catch flies for dinner, I'll try and post more later. ribbit.

This mornings train

The weather was a little bleak this morning, low clouds, no rain. Last nights thunderstorm dumped enough rain on us to last 6 months. The general mood on the train was depressed. I had no emails to respond to. I read. No music. Just quiet time.

What is it about wet weather that dampens everyone’s spirits? Obvious through our language. I'm currently reading Fire Your Shrink. Not the book I was reading on the train, just a book I pick up every now and then. My therapist recommended it. I know what it would tell me to do. Look for positives; don't let this mood rule your day. I'm not sure I’m ready for that. Sometimes you need a little down time. I might look for positives later.

This was not taken this morning, another bleak morning we have had quite a few recently. Good for the complexion.

A toe in the water

I suppose for my first post I should point out the direction of this blog, but no, that might restrict my ramblings. I have a little bit of an obsession at the moment with frogs and trains. I can't see a link between the two. Maybe it will come to me later. For me the train represents a time when I can gather my thoughts. Respond to personal emails, read a book, or listen to music. It's my time. The frogs are simply fascinating, a barometer to the health of our environment. Okay, really I just like them. They are very precious, and very photogenic.